Jealousy in relationships dries up vaginas and is a huge boner killer.
& sadly it’s a common flaw in most relationships.
All the dating articles and common society rules advise that the cure for jealousy in relationships is AVOIDING the fact you may find another human being attractive again. Don’t talk about exes – it could strike jealousy knowing that your partner has in fact touched another person’s private parts. Don’t check other people out – when you find your true soulmate and embrace monogamy it creates a barrier from ever feeling sexual towards anyone else . Don’t flirt or make jokes with the opposite sex – WHORE. Don’t ever confess to your partner if you happen to slip and check out a hottie – sometimes honesty isn’t the best policy and things are better left under the rug.
If there is one thing that turns me psycho and insecure, that is being told NO and advised DO NOT and keeping SECRETS.
Look, monogamy isn’t easy since we are carnal by nature and being suppressed to believe that once we find prince charming all our sexual appetites will be met is a load of sh*t.
So much GUILT or SHAME in relationships causes so many of my friends to cheat or feel unfulfilled in a relationship where strict rules permit each other from being honest and open.
That is why when Aaron and I starting getting serious, we decided to venture out of the box of secrets and lies and avoidance.
It’s like having an open relationship without banging other people.
& it’s f*cking liberating.
When Aaron and I embarked on this journey of an “open but committed” relationship, we both had and still have a HUGE passion for self-improvement. Jealousy at the core is just a whole load of insecurity, you just need to release that sh*t. Especially as women, we are programmed to point the finger and blame men for making us feel less desirable. I give the example of how we ridicule men for jerking off to a porn star with a different hair color than us, but apparently masturbating to Magic Mike is completely normal and non-offensive. We all love to be victims because in turn it means that we don’t have to internally look at our daddy or mommy issues.
And although I understand that jealousy in relationships is common and a normal reaction, 99% of the time when I was having conflict with men and experience jealousy it had NOTHING to do with them. Even when I was dating douchers, the blame fell on me for even dating a man who had low morals and sent endearing texts like “yeah, I like you”. Jealousy comes from a mindset of lack and low-self esteem. You got to constantly perfect that feeling that you are the sh*t or good luck kicking jealousy to the curb.
As Aaron and I started being more open, it was a little bumpy trying to navigate and unprogram the misconception that us having sexual fantasies or the desire to be wanted by other people was OK. But we worked through it and it only made our self-confidence stronger.
Talk Openly About Exes
OK, I hate the fact that when I become committed I have to pretend that I am a virgin and hide my past in order to make a guy feel that his penis is a f*cking god. I have gone in depth about losing my virginity and men ejaculating on my body parts that are anti-sexy – Aaron knows the whole scoop (names, dates, EVERYTHING). There is a whole part of my life that he wasn’t involved in and that includes being intimate with other people. Why do I have to hide that in order to protect this false sense of ego?
One thing I appreciate in my current relationship and was looking for in a partner when single, is the fact that I can fully be myself. That we can get stoned out of our minds and reminisce about our pasts without having to cut or edit chunks out to make the person feel more valuable. If the self-esteem isn’t there to hear my atrocious sex stories and sh*t relationships, then it won’t work out. It obviously didn’t work out for a reason and that reason may be that he came on my expensive necklace (not chill bro, not chill).
PLUS, I love hearing about exes and past hook-ups – give me all the drama. I used to cyber-stalk one guy’s exes a little too intently. The common question was, “do you think she is prettier than me”? My question I would ask now is “how much did she suck in bed and was her personality also stale?”. MINDSET – you got to believe you are a f*cking goddess and I doubt their exes will have your self-esteem to match that. Because if they did, they would still be banging them.
Check Out Other People
One of my favorite date night activities is checking out other people when going out to dinner. Acknowledging who is hot or dresses sexy or has nice titties or has a great a$$. I came to the realization a long time ago that I am not the only pretty girl in the world. There are also a lot of people that are physically hotter and uglier than me – it’s just a fact in life. And by acknowledging other attractive people with my partner, it creates some breathing room in the air and that honesty is so refreshing.
Especially hot women on social media, this used to make me SUPER insecure because my man looking at flawless titties from Dr. Chang and brazillian butt implants seems like a tough comparison. After dabbling in modeling myself, 99% of it is fake and filtered and so not candid. I know how to do all the posing and show off the good angles. And by taking the time to work on my confidence, I am forcing Aaron to follow hot women left and right to up his photography game. It’s gone to the other side of the spectrum where he get’s annoyed at me for making him spend hours looking at f*ckable women. It’s fun and I feel secure in that fact that with a little bit of love from a plastic surgeon, I could be on their level too. But until then, I don’t mind being lesbian with my boyfriend and admiring the unattainable.
Flirting It Up.
There is a fine line between playful flirting and overstepping boundaries – let’s make that clear and only you plus your partner can define that. When I am in a committed relationship, I still wanted to feel wanted and desired by other men. I also am a BIG sh*t talker and my way of socializing can come across as flirty. So I enjoy the attention and looks and overly complimentive conversations from other men. I just want to know they want me, and then I can walk away knowing that “yup, still got it!”. It’s a fun ego boost game.
I also find it super hot when people hit on my boyfriend – my competitive nature feels like I won knowing that other women want to have sex with him. There is all this thing called trust and confidence in the fact that my partner is with me for a reason and some cashier touching his tattoos with “f*ck me” eyes isn’t going to suede his feeling for me. I have created this overbearing confidence in my head to combat jealousy in relationships. Even when I look ratchety with a homeless bun that makes me look practically bald, I start the script in my head. Like, really b*tch? You think you can f*ck with this? Everyone needs to be their own cunty cheerleader or you will always feel inferior to someone else. PERIOD.
Make Sex a Priority
The one biggest hacks to avoiding jealousy and feeling undesirable by your partner is making sure your flame didn’t get destroyed by a fire extinguisher. That includes not just doing your 5-min-3 position-mandatory sex, it’s constantly improving your sex life and trying new things together. Whether it’s a new toy or coconut oil as lube or role playing or watching porn together or sexy lingerie or banging in different places, it creates a sexual bond and playfulness that leaves you wanting more.
People stop trying once they get in relationships which is ludicrous since this is when you should be trying even more. You are banging the same person day in and day out – the new person feels will fade in an instant. If you aren’t having sex and creating a physical connection, I wouldn’t be surprised if jealousy in relationships and the want to feel that connection with someone else comes knocking on your door.
OUR RESULTS AFTER 1 YEAR
We all know that couple where one partner is s-u-p-e-r insecure and constantly makes it a point to word vomit his or her jealousy. It’s cringe to watch and everyone seems to *gasp* when the other partner is caught cheating with the hot neighbor next door. If you are constantly told to stifle your desires/fantasies/wants and then ridiculed for sexual behavior, I can attest that creates a LOT of aggression. Of course I would want to start banging other people if someone was constantly putting in my head and projecting that I am a cheater.
That is what being open and honest does for a relationship, it prevents situations where we feel guilty or angry or confused about being sexual beings. I love the fact that we can get drunk at a party and then flirt/mingle with the opposite sex and then go home to each other. It doesn’t have to be complicated or stifling.
We love our “open but committed relationship”, it’s hot.
What can I say, we may be boring as f*ck while constantly only having food pics and netflix to show on our insta story. BUT, at least we still got the HEAT (at least we tell ourselves we do).
P.S. – currently addicted to Fashion Nova’s bodysuits which include this army bodysuit.