When I say I will talk about anything & have the whole world publicly view it online, I’m not joking. I’ve created worse content – like posting a heartbreak video on Youtube the day after a breakup OR filming myself for an entire year having seizures on the bar (aka a person who sucks at CrossFit). So shooting a lingerie photo in the woods on a college campus while freshman are being shown a visual tour & then writing a post about sex on the first date for all my relatives to read really doesn’t constitute as embarrassing at this point. In fact, it’s the new normalcy.
I know this is such a taboo topic that is awkward to read if you actually know me because some of you are already thinking about some of the guys I have slept with in the past. I am truly sorry to bring up such scarring memories of too much facial hair and dad bods, it will be a little painful for both of us. BUT, I am willing to take that sacrifice because (a) I love talking about sex and (b) I wasn’t always so god damn chill about sex on the first date.
Just because I tagged my girlfriends in every “be a hoe and f*ck like a stripper” meme didn’t mean I was comfortable or accepting of sex on the first date. In fact, I would say it was a shit show trying to play it cool in front of my friends swapping sex stories but driving home crying wondering if I was destined to be a single lady in her robe stuffing her feelings with chips and vibrators.
Growing up, there was a lot of unsolicited advice from older women in my life (most that were holding onto their marriage by a thread and probably having stale sex… if any). Coming from a very strict religious upbringing, it’s no surprise that exploring my sexuality or letting go of these stigmas around sex felt wrong. If you had a three hour lecture on how to never allow yourself or others to touch your vagina until you’re married, you would be walking around with some sexual baggage too! I heard it time and time again that sex on the first date would lead me down a rabbit hole of being pregnant at 17 & god-loving men thinking I’m a whore (hypocritical much?).
If I can stop being a sarcastic bitch for five seconds though, I think it’s extremely sad that a lot of women grow up feeling guilt and shame about their sexuality. This is one of the biggest reasons I decided to openly talk about sex and relationships on my blog. I document my experiences and share my past vulnerabilities about sex because I know it’s hard when you had so many years of people shoving down your throat their hang-ups about sex.
Guys aren’t that complicated and sex on the first date doesn’t have to be complicated either.
You should see some women’s reactions when the “how we met” story gets narrated by my boyfriend who tells everyone I basically jumped his pants the first night – their eyes get all bugged eye while doing that awkward laugh. Truth is I had ZERO regrets when we hooked up the first night. If you read my blog, you will come to realize I really don’t give a f*ck. There is no longer this weird stigma or identity attached to if or when someone inserts their junk inside me.
After finally understanding sex on a logical term, I found the solution. It was stupidly simple too.
Don’t wait to have sex.
Disclaimer : I am not saying I would shack up with the guy on the first date if I didn’t feel comfortable OR there were creepy vibes OR he dried up my lady parts. My point is that there should be no timeline on when I should have sex. If it happens on the first date or the third, it doesn’t f*cking matter. No guilt. No shame. Just fun. I will explain more down below.
Extra Disclaimer : I don’t go on dates to make friends. We are either going to have sex or were not. My motto is “if we aren’t banging, then were aren’t dating”. I personally would wait no longer than three dates, but that is just me. More info below.
Extra Extra Disclaimer : This is an article based on my personal opinions when it comes to sex on the first date when I am looking for a relationship. I will do another post on hook-ups and casual flings. Getting to the point sometime soon, I promise.
Here is what I learned :
Sex is the worst indicator of whether or not a guy is worth your time.
I used to be under the impression that if a guy waits to have sex with me, it shows that he is leaning towards a relationship with a foreseeable future of marriage and buying a three bedroom condo to raise our two perfect children – he’s stable and safe.
Well, I realized that was far from the truth after waiting a couple months to sleep with he-who-must-not-be-named. He wouldn’t shut the f*ck up about buying a house and kids and marriage and my heart would skip a beat thinking I found the family man. So I waited to have sex and took our time because that’s what you do to get a good guy, even though it was painfully boring at times – anyone else hate three hour makeup sessions where the guys ejaculates on your foot (true story)?! Fast forward to having sex and our relationship started crumbling. The commitment issues, futon mattress constituting as a bed, negative bank account, and boring personality were all staring back at me. My ignorance and naiveness were the issue NOT sex.
After making it my priority to understand men on a logical level, I began judging men off their lifestyle versus how long they can keep their d*ck in their pants. Did he just get out of a breakup? Does he call mom and dad’s garage “his place”? Can he support himself or do you go to the bank with him to help sort out a negative bank account? Does he send you texts at midnight asking “what are you doing?” Or (extra bonus) does he send a dick pic with that late snap? Does he have a personality and morals? Do you have that “feeling” that he is banging chicks left and right even though he swears he only wants you? Are you the only girl he is seeing, but still can’t come to grips to call you his girlfriend?
Yeah, that’s called dating a loser in a nutshell and blaming the timeline of sex instead of my inability to read men.
I could date the hottest guy with his sh*t together, and it wouldn’t mattered if we banged on the first date or the third. If he is looking for a relationship & is over his ugly ex & can pay the bills, then we are in the clear. Things start getting fuzzy when I dated f*ck-ups. Sex can’t change low lives.
Clear it off the table.
Reason 1: Lessen your chances of heartbreak.
With sex just being sex, I am all about getting it out of the way as soon as possible. I can have sex with someone one time without getting crazy feels and falling in love – when I did think I had those feelings it wasn’t love (it was my hormones talking or a numbing cream for ignoring my issues).
On the other hand, spending copious amounts of time with a guy will cause attachment. IT’S SCIENCE. By having sex sooner rather than later, I was lessening my chances of my heart from getting broken and speeding up the recovery process if I read the signs wrong. I get to see if this guy is into me for my personality or just my body real fast. Once you remove sex from the equation, you allow the other person to show their true colors. I take the fast track – I really don’t have time to play the three month waiting game hoping that he is into me for more than my body and wondering when it’s ok to call him my boyfriend.
Worst case scenario, I have some sex and move on in the dating world without crazy attachments. I don’t know the person well enough to care about him deeply. I can find some other dick elsewhere.
Reason 2 : Move the sexual tension out of the way.
You know how many friends I know that have waited to have sex and then run away to get married to what they assume to be their soul mate or forever love? After about three months of having sex in every part of their house, the sexual tension gets released and they find out they hate each other. OR, what about the people who waited six months to have sex? They click on every level until they hit the sack and realize the sexual chemistry is DEAD. If we don’t click sexually, we are just friends in my mind. I need a physical connection to make this relationship material.
The sooner I get the sexual tension out of the way, the sooner I can get logical. I can start to see if this guy matches my insane criteria for what I am looking for in a man. The lusty eyes of undressing every part of him subside enough for me to see if he actually is more than a good time. I also hate when sex is looming over conversations and making it awkward to get closer to someone on an emotional level. It’s like going on the first date with it being somewhat awkward and then starting over from square one on the second date because you haven’t broken that touch barrier. Release the sh*t and move on.
But wait, will guys think I am a slut if I have sex on the first date?
First off, the insane amount of questions revolving around “what will a guy think if I have sex on the first date” or “will he still respect me?” are pointless. You know what most guys were thinking when I took off my pants to have sex? They were thinking about getting laid. They aren’t women having to text their friend in the bathroom to make sure it’s ok. Most guys just want to have f*cking sex without me having a panic attack if this is the right time or not.
Second, if I have to dangle sex in front of him to have him respect me or keep him interested, I would rather not waste my time (I want to frame this shit). If I really think about it, any guy that would spend months on end waiting to have sex with me needs to pick up a hobby! We all know those guys that wait months to bang their dream girl and then ditch, it’s like this low self-esteem game to boost their ego. My philosophy is if a guy really likes me and wants a commitment, he isn’t going to be deterred from us having sex sooner.
PC : Sergio Lopez ( @r3alpai5sa )
Of course, there are going to be second opinions. There are some women who can’t have sex without attaching feelings to a complete loser OR you know that one neighbor that waited until they were wed who are now celebrating their 50th anniversary in the Bahamas. The purpose of this post is to explain what has personally worked in my life. You do you.
I relate sex on the first date to this : I am not here for a long time, I am here for a good time. 😉